How Curious Conversations Can Build Bridges
Three ideas on how to have better conversations
“What am I missing?” – it’s a great question to frame the new year as I look toward deepening my understanding and empathy for others.
This question is on my mind because of a book I read last week: I Never Thought of It That Way by Mónica Guzmán. I could hardly put this one down. I still can’t remember how this one hit my radar, but I’m glad it did. This book provided some great inspiration and concrete next steps for the character traits I most want to focus on developing this year – curiosity and attentiveness.
As I reflect on the book, I’m taking away three main lessons that I want to dwell on: (1) notice and combat SOS, (2) mind the gap, and (3) maximize the EPACT of your conversations. I hope that these questions can help you to increase your curiosity in the year to come and deepen your ability to see and learn from those around you!
Send an SOS: Notice Sorting, Othering, and Siloing
In the first section of the book, Guzmán highlights three trends that make conversation in the internet age more challenging than in the past. Many of these are connected to the algorithms that drive the web and are designed to maximize the time that we spend interacting on social media.
In short, sorting refers to our natural desire to be with people that are like us, othering to the process of the us implying them, and siloing to our propensity to dig ourselves holes where we reduce our exposure to ideas which are not from our team.
This concise diagnosis pinpoints the main progression that leads to the polarization we see in society today. Luckily, the book doesn’t stop there but presents some ways we can be part of addressing these issues.
Ultimately, I think that these three factors are a result of failing to recognize the full humanity of others. Whether we realize it or not, we easily assume that someone who disagrees with us is wrongheaded and has evil intentions. What fun would it be to assume that they likely have some reasons for what they believe and we might find some common ground if we took a moment to ask a few questions?
But how can we expect to understand where folks are coming from and learn if we immediately discard anything they say? If you aren’t learning about areas where you are wrong, you’re not growing. “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” This is not a vision of siloed separation but of intentional conflict with the goal of growth.
So, noticing our propensity to sort, other, and silo ourselves, how do we get past it?
Mind the Gap
I really love this metaphor. Minding the gap is at its essence about curiosity. First, you must notice the gap between what you know and what you want to know.
This requires first, curiosity about yourself and where you are. Then to notice a difference between where you are and where you want to be, you must be curious about the people and things around you. Why are things the way they are? What motivates people to act the way they do? How does the world work?
To notice the gap, Guzman writes that the question that should be on all of our minds is “what am I missing?”
“What am I missing?” is not just any question. It’s the question. It’s the doorstop to put down in the hallways of your mind, pathway after pathway, to keep open possibilities from slamming into harmful assumptions.
This is a great question for a lot of reasons. First, it is generous. Instead of assuming that the other person is the problem, this framing squarely puts us in the crosshairs and asks us to examine ourselves before the other. Sort of like looking for the log in your own eye before trying to pick the speck of dust out of your friend’s eye. Second, it is framed in a way that assumes there is an answer. The framing of “missing” means that there is something that will fit in the hole and make sense of what we can’t understand.
This question then leads us to the ultimate revelation: “I never thought of it that way.” These are the moments of epiphany where learning occurs. Moments where we bridge the gap. Notice that we may not close the gap and that’s ok. Even if we don’t end up changing our mind, we are able to look past our own assumptions and understand the other more deeply. In these moments, the distance between us and them shrinks.
We can’t not make assumptions about people. Assumptions are how we navigate a complicated world where we don’t know and can’t know everything about everyone. All we can do is notice the assumptions we’re making and ask why.
Maximize the EPACT of your conversations
The topic of conversation has been a thread running through several of my favorite books from this past year from Sherry Turkle’s Reclaiming Conversation to Andy Crouch’s The Life We’re Looking For. For Guzmán, conversation plays a key part in the way that we build and maintain connections to those who we disagree with.
One of the most impactful parts of what she shared was a tool to help analyze whether you are in a situation where a conversation has enough traction to be productive. We all know that there are times when we’ve had a conversation about a tough topic, but the circumstance hasn’t been quite right and it made things worse. Guzmán presents five factors you can use to help you determine whether the conversation will have enough traction to dig deep into complicated territory or if it’s best left for another time and place. Next time you’re having a conversation, analyze it through the EPACT framework.
Embodiment – is the conversation taking place in an environment where you can take advantage of all the verbal and non-verbal modes of communication (e.g., facial expressions, tone, posture)?
Parity – is the playing field even? Does each person have equal access to resources like time to talk?
Attention – does the environment support focus so that the conversation can be at the forefront of each person’s mind?
Containment – is the conversation private? Will the conversation be shared at a level that prevents unvarnished candor?
Time – does the conversation have enough time to grow and take some detours along the way?
So what?
One of the superpowers of the Internet is that it creates opportunities to bust out of our silos like we’ve never had before in human history. Nearly any book published in all of human history available in a few clicks; videos to learn anything you want on YouTube; folks from around the globe writing blogs, newsletters, or sharing their thoughts on Twitter. But the inherent design of the algorithms and tools which decide what content we see ends up siloing us even more in the name of maximizing engagement.
This year, let’s ask more questions instead of assuming answers. Instead of “how could they be so wrongheaded”, let’s ask “what am I missing?” Cultivate curiosity, humility, and generosity. This is the way.
The Book Nook
This one is likely obvious this week, but do yourself a favor and pick up Mónica’s book. I guarantee you’ll learn something. In addition to having lots of good lessons to share, it’s also wonderfully written with many endearing stories of Mónica’s own journey of learning through conversation, especially as she deepens her relationship with her parents despite their differing political views.
Another great thing about this book is how practical it is. At the end of most sections, Mónica writes a section about “Things to Try.” These prototypes are great ways to put what she is writing into practice. These help to make the ideas concrete.
The Professor Is In
This week has been an E80 prep week as I work on putting the finishing touches on my 4-year reappointment packet. First step was to get all the code for the robot into source control – check! Slowly but surely working towards best practices instead of having multiple versions floating around without any history of the changes or a robust error tracking solution. Also managed to go through an add explicit learning outcomes for each of the labs. Lots more to do to get ready for the semester, but excited for E80 to launch!
Leisure Line
This week this tune from Allen Stone came to mind. (h/t Petey!)
Cause I miss the way things used to be
Even when we disagree
We used to do it face to face
Now all we ever seem to do is
Miscommunicate
Ever miscommunicate
Still Life
Here’s the mental note to myself of how the Willow Tree Nativity Scene goes back in the styrofoam. This always takes me an embarrassingly long time to figure out each year. Now if only I could guarantee myself that I’ll remember I took this photo next year…
Excellent review. Curiosity is key.