Empathizing with Enemies

What if our first step was to empathize, not to condemn?

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Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

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I'm out of town and out of my normal routine this week. I considered re-sharing a few posts from the archive from the days when there were only a few hundred of you who had given me permission to write into your inboxes each week. But last week I read John Inazu's latest book Learning to Disagree. I thought it was an important read when I read it last Tuesday. Given the events over the weekend in Pennsylvania, it’s even more important.

My goal today is to channel the same muse that John does in his book: to ask curious questions instead of confident answers. I hope that you'll join me in being challenged to think more deeply about how we can live together in community amidst deep, and perhaps irreconcilable, disagreement.

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You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?
Matthew 5:43-47

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Matthew 7:3-5

Do we have space for those we disagree with to be wrong without being evil?

I am no moral relativist. I believe good and evil exist and that we can know what they are. But even in a world where moral absolutes exist, we invoke them far too quickly. The world is not black and white, even as the shades of gray are certainly light or dark enough for us to accurately label good and evil in many situations. But in our pursuit of justice, how can we be sure that we don’t have a plank in our own eye? What if our first move should be empathy, not condemnation. Even if we arrive at the same outcome, how might our understanding change if we took a moment to empathize with our enemies?

This has been on my mind for many reasons of late and has been a theme of a few recent books I’ve read. A few weeks ago I listened to

Michael Wear

's book, The Spirit of Our Politics and was challenged to consider how to renew my approach to politics in our polarized times. This week, I continued to pull on a similar thread with a book from law professor

John Inazu

.

Learning to Disagree is John's latest book, published earlier this year. A professor in the Law School at Washington University at Saint Louis, John has been committed to the work of helping us think through how we can find common ground despite our differences. This book is the latest contribution of his many efforts to cultivate these conversations. He has written previously on this topic, in his 2018 book Confident Pluralism: Surviving and Thriving Through Deep Difference and in a series of essays that he co-edited with the late Tim Keller called Uncommon Ground: Living Faithfully in a World of Difference. John is also the founder of The Carver Project and a Senior Fellow with Interfaith America, where he and

Eboo Patel

co-direct the Newbigin Fellows.

All this is to say that John has thought about these issues for a long time. Not only has he thought about them, but has put his thoughts into action. Even if you disagree—sorry, not sorry—he is worth hearing out.

A Year in the Life

The book is loosely structured using the footprint of an academic year—divided into ten chapters titled August through May. Each chapter is headlined by a question. The centrality of the question is a theme that is at the core of John’s arguments throughout the book.

The flow of the book reminds me of a well-designed course. John builds his book-length case, using chapters as stops along the way. In them, he carves out space to tackle a specific idea or experience from a class he taught, an interaction with another faculty member, or a touchpoint with members of his community at church. John also does what all masterful teachers do: guide students to ask the right questions instead of spoon feeding them answers.

I'm not going to give away too much of the book. I would recommend you all read or listen to it¹. But in the spirit of John's embrace of questions, in the rest of my words for today I want to share a few questions that have been on my mind since listening to John’s book.

One last thing—expecting a book written by a law professor to be dense and dry is forgivable. This book is anything but that. One of the aspects that makes John's treatment of these issues so successful is the way he weaves together deep and challenging questions with his dry sense of humor and talent for telling stories. There are lessons to be learned here too—about the role of humor and personal narrative in the midst of challenging conversations.

A Few Questions to Consider

Here are a few questions that I hope you’ll ponder with me:

1. Is there space in my worldview for those I disagree with to be wrong but not evil? If not, why not? If yes, what separates the two categories?

2. Who is one person I deeply disagree with? What would it look like to extend an offer to meet them over coffee or a meal? How could I make a move toward them, across the divide that separates us?

3. What if instead of asking someone why they believe something, I instead asked them how they came to believe it? What if I opened up an opportunity for a story rather than demanding a justification? (h/t to

   Monica Guzman
   for this one in her book I Never Thought of It That Way which I wrote about at the beginning of 2023. Her conversation dial metaphor is a particularly brilliant way of thinking through how we approach difficult conversations more successfully).

4. In what ways am I molding my heroes into who I wish them to be instead of seeing them for who they are, flaws and all? How am I justifying my own beliefs instead of being challenged by areas where I have—perhaps intentionally—misread them?

5. In the midst of even rancorous and contentious disagreement, how might I forgive my enemies? In what ways would forgiveness set me free?

6. In what ways have I experienced forgiveness myself? How might these experiences shape the way I offer forgiveness to those around me?

What a Good Question is Worth

I leave these here as questions without answers on purpose. I do not have answers. But I have long been convinced that a good question is worth a great deal more than a pat answer.

I will close with a quote from the foreward to the book, written by Tish Harrison Warren. She writes:

Amid the deep divisions in our world, what’s clear is that it is not enough to merely extol the virtues of pluralism and loving our neighbors. We can’t merely think our way to a better, healthier society—a ­ society in which we know how to disagree well. Embracing convictions with both confidence and humility is a skill and a habit, a way of being that is practiced and grows over time. Learning to be a good neighbor, friend, and coworker across deep differences is often more like learning to walk than it is learning a creed. It is an embodied art of relating to others and to the world around us. It requires us to embrace empathy in practical ways, to allow others to have the last word, to show kindness to those who may not even like us, to seek and find our common humanity in the warp and woof of daily life. It is a practice, a craft, a dance, a vibe, a mode of living. We therefore must learn to practice civic virtues in our own context and everyday lives.

May we go and do likewise.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
James 1:19-21

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Reading Recommendations

This song from NEEDTOBREATHE is one of my favorites, reminding us of the freedom that comes with forgiveness.

I couldn't see I was the only hostage
To the bitterness I can't let go
Maybe now it's time to cut my losses
Move on, move on, move on
Oh, I can't believe how long it's lasted
I can feel it coming up these bones
There's a part of me that can't get past it
I know, I know, I know

I mentioned two other books that have been helpful to me in thinking through difficult conversations. Here are links to both:

• I Never Thought of It That Way by

  Monica Guzman

• The Spirit of Our Politics by

  Michael Wear

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The Book Nook

In addition to the thoughtful words inside, I also enjoy the illustrations and cover art for John’s book. The arrows help to illustrate the ways that we can so often find ourselves changing direction and going in circles. Perhaps that is a feature, not a bug.

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The Professor Is In

Had lab photos last week. Still waiting for the photos from the professional photographer, but I took a selfie of my own for the meantime. So thankful for the opportunity to work with this group of talented young engineers and scientists this summer!

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Leisure Line

Although it was all too brief, I was glad for the chance to reconnect with one of my best friends from my PhD days, Mooseok Jang. Mooseok was a big part of my PhD and helped introduce me to the field of wavefront shaping and teach me the ropes when I was a brand new PhD student. I don’t get to see him all that often now that he lives back in Korea where he is an assistant professor at KAIST.

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Still Life

Enjoying time up on the lake in New York (but still writing at night while the kids are falling asleep!).

1. PS, did you know that if you are a Spotify Premium subscriber your subscription includes 15 hours of audiobook listening a month? Perhaps you should make Learning to Disagree your next listen.